i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
