i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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