i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
