i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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