Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
