Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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