hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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