So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
