the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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