I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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