If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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