I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
