i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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