There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
