I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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