Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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