2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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