you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
