there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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