and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just found puke in my bra..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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