My Higher Power is John Stamos
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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