I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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