Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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