I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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