I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
