I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
