zippers are such a cool invention
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
