you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
