Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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