my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
