Is it because I queefed?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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