Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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