omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
