U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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