Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
