Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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