The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
