You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
