Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
