I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if only i could text you this smell
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
