do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
