I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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