Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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