You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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