i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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