last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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