I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
