The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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