Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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