The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
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