I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
