Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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