You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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