seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
