There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
