My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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