I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize