Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
