Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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