it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
