just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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