i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
