My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
