Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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