I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
